Horoscope for October 6, 2008

Celebrities born today: Le Corbusier. Creator of the famous bra of the same name. Easy to spot, with how the breasts are suspended on long white stilts that plant themselves in front of the woman.

Aries

It's a constant problem for the Aries to finish what they started. Good news, though: when you leap off a roof, the rest sort of takes care of itself.

Taurus

Truth alone wins, not untruth. Evasive answers, punctuated by cleverly timed explosions in the distance, don't win either, but the zone of defeat turns out to be pretty comfortable.

Gemini

You will remember a loved one fondly today. Heck, the muffled knocking under the floorboards might even make you all misty-eyed.

Cancer

Guess what? You get a new stapler at the office this week. Just what you need to take home and fix up your "Shrine of Simmering Hate".

Leo

A stranger will approach you this week with a rose and a knowing smile. Of course you'll be surprised -- how did he get into your apartment? why is he wearing Spock ears? -- but don't say no to adventure.

Virgo

They say art imitates life. How, then, to do a sculpture about finally starting to sculpt?

Libra

Mr. Merriweather will be in a frolicsome mood this week, and he will be keen to regale you with stories of the London season and the goings-on in the Paris court. Resist his charms: his reputation as a rascal is not overstated, and beneath his velvet frock lies a seething, cupidous disease.

Scorpio

Trust your instincts: you'll need a seventh bucket. You can't secretly plastinate a zoo going in all half-assed.

Sagittarius

You shudder to think how your weekend would have gone had you not trained your dog to play Settlers of Catan, and to do so in a beautiful dress.

Capricorn

You will find little comfort being run over by an electric car this week, excepting, perhaps, the peaceful hum.

Aquarius

Serving pizza to your friends through an elaborate set of pneumatic tubes will not only undermine your efforts to convince them of Intelligent Design, it will also behead your ferret.

Pisces

You finally got to see what all the fuss is about when you watch your first Ultimate Fighting match. Your friends will not realize how much of an impact it had until you unveil a special device, "The Champion", an apparatus you can spoon naked while it punches you.

Looking Back at September 16, 2008

Aries

Look both ways before you cross the street. The ways you should look are: down the barrel of a gun, and for a way to escape.

Taurus

It is never easy to say sorry, especially to family. It is, however, a lot easier to say, "Mom thinks you're a whore."

Gemini

You always assume the best. As such, you assume your friend, the cop, despite the fuzziness of the voicemail, must have meant he was being hit by hail the size of bullets.

Cancer

They say art imitates life, but that may not be true in your case. After all, what are the chances you are being stalked by an armour-clad vagina?

Leo

There's more than one way to skin a cat, and you'll find there's precisely seven ways for cats to revenge themselves on you for using that expression.

Virgo

Your boss will dress you down in front of your colleagues today, and then beat you soundly with a cellphone strapped to a stiletto-heeled shoe. Just repeat, over and over again, "I deserve this, Naomi Campbell."

Libra

When the going gets tough, remember to squirt, rub in, and resume.

Scorpio

Some people accuse Scorpios as being cold and yet sexually ravenous. Sort of like a glacier, except all fucky. Sorry, sorry, the stars are getting off track: yes, buy a doughnut.

Sagittarius

You will sell a doughnut to someone today whose gaze will linger upon you. Go for it, but bring your iPod.

Capricorn

Hey, do you remember that time when you were by yourself at the rented cabin by the lake, and you went out for an evening canoe, and you went by a small bay and heard that guy screaming for help? And how you watched as the guy tried to jump in the water to escape a raving bear, but got mauled? You remember how you just canoed on and never told anyone what you saw? Here's the kicker: you were in a very expensive canoe.

Aquarius

There is a time for all things. Your ejaculate-filled Christmas ornament? Not yet.

Pisces

A mysterious stranger will hand you a miniature hobo. It's a message: purchase a train set, a thimble of beans, and let him go. Let him go.